Thanksgiving 2014, Part 1: The Preparations

This is the year.
I'm making, from start to finish, my first full Thanksgiving meal. Oh, the joy!
Oh, the hilarity.

Since we are across the country and have only 36-ish hours off from work, we knew there was no way to make it back east for the big schmorgazborg. Which is a real shame, because both of our families really do up Thanksgiving. What can I say, we like to eat.
Ryan and I thought this year would be a great opportunity to make our holiday ours. It's a special day no matter where we are or who we are with. So, we invited one of my coworkers and her fiancé over and then I realized- Oh shoot. I gotta feed them.

When it comes to celebrity chefs, my heart belongs to Ina Garten aka Barefoot Contessa. This lady is the jolliest and classiest lady on the Food Network (and beyond) and not one of her recipes has ever steered me wrong. So naturally, if I'm taking on a turkey, I'm consulting Ina.
I found a tasty sounding recipe for the turkey in her Foolproof cook book and I thought: I can do that!
Buy the bird.
Defrost the bird.
Put some seasonings on the bird and throw it in the oven.
Not so scary!

But tonight, I began "The Preparations". Below is an inner monologue account of what went down:

• Get thawed turkey out of fridge: At least I did one thing right so far, it's not frozen.
• Read recipe twice (I've been studying it all week)
• Oh no... Kosher salt? I was planning to use sea salt! How did I miss that?! Can I substitute? Will I ruin it? Oh no, I'm gonna ruin it. "Hunny, can you google something for me?"
• 15 minutes later, I'm sticking with sea salt and adjusting quantities. Moving on. 
• Realize the sink is full of dishes: That's fine, right? I can wash the turkey over here in this little corner where nothing is touching... that's fine.
• Oh my word, this little guy feels heavier than 11 lbs
• Re-read recipe
• Dang this thing is gross. And my hands are freezing. Also covered in turkey juice.
• Last week, this turkey thought he was having the time of his life. Poor guy. 
• Ok, it says here to take out the bag o' junk and the neck from the body cavity. Got the bag, that's pretty obvious. But the neck... hmm, the neck. Where's the neck? What's the neck look like? "Hey hunny, can you google something for me?" 
• "I'm really not understanding this, can you Youtube something so I can see exactly what it looks like?" Wait, what is this... a woman on a farm with her baby on her back gutting a turkey with her bare hands? What is this?! Gross. 
• I see no neck. No neck anywhere. Should we just conclude that maybe this was the one from the factory where they all ready pulled out the neck, or should I keep staring at it for the next 30 minutes?
• Re-read recipe.
• Wash gross, cold, neckless turkey with water. Pat dry with paper towels.
• You've used an entire roll of paper towels in this bout so far. Sorry, California. 
• This home-made brine smells pretty tasty! There's another positive. Stay with the positive. Don't tell anyone how oddly this is going or that you spent 20 more minutes on Youtube than necessary. 
• This looks like it will fit the turkey so it can sit overnight. Now for the plastic wrap. Oh, how I loathe you, plastic wrap.
• After three layers, I quit. That's tight enough and you're going back in the fridge, you little jerk. 
• Spray every surface in kitchen with disinfectant. Spray body with disinfectant. 
• "My hands will never be clean again."

Here's our little guy, hanging out in the fridge. And yes, that's a clothespin keeping the plastic wrap together. 

Don't get me started.